You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
this boner is exhausting
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
