I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
