he told me I talked like a deaf person
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
