He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
