peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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