ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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