Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
