ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
