around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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