Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
