I will die if light touches me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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