you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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