I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
