I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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