he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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