can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
