Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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