i think my tv is drunk
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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