nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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