No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
