There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
