I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
