we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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