Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
