I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
