You kept trying to hail an ambulance
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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