Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
