I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
