My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
