And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
home. puking in laundry basket.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
