I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Randomize
