Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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