So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
