She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
