theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
