Cold hands, warm shart.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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