I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
