please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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