Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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