im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
