I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
