new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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