you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
