i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
