ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
