You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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