i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
