Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
