Your dad touched me again.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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