I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
