Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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